Don't don that niqab, Madge

On hearing that Madonna is reading the Koran, and might be converting from Kabbalism to Islam, I must admit that my first reaction was not sorrow or outrage but rather a bone-deep weariness.

Ever the cynic, I can’t help thinking that the only reason Madge would ever don a niqab would be as a handy cover on those awkward days when she’s overdosed on facial fillers. But I understand that there are other reasons why women take this strange Stockholm-Syndromey step:

1) They’re thick (see Lauren Booth).

2) They’re sick (see Samantha “White Widow” Lewthwaite).

The rate of conversion rose hugely after 9/11

3) They’ve got daughters and though they themselves acted like arch-slappers in their youth, they’re desperate for a bit of moral backbone to stiffen up their feeble, “you’re-not-going-out-dressed-like-that” envy of youthful beauty (see Booth and Madonna).

To be fair, Madonna has claimed only that she’s reading the Koran — “A good Muslim is a good Jew, and a good Jew is a good Christian” — and so forth. Until you go to an interfaith meeting, as my Christian friend did, and see the Muslims start yelling at the Jews and Christians (or rather, “pigs and apes”, as some Islamic schoolbooks call us, though I can never remember who’s which) that they’re going to Hell.

Whatever Madonna is, she’s not thick. Sadly, this can’t be said for all converts to Islam. And of course Booth alone will have single-handedly brought down the average IQ of the “revert” community the day she donned the hijab.

Madonna’s not sick, either, so far as I can see — not one of those female converts whom you feel are doing it because they are secretly desirous of writing love letters to sex-crazed serial killers. It’s particularly telling, I always think, that conversions to Islam rose massively worldwide after 9/11, whereas you’d think such an atrocity would put people off. Well, it would put well-balanced people off.

But Madonna does have a Muslim boyfriend and there’s no telling what a certain type of woman will do to be popular with men.

If I was a born Muslimah, though, I think I’d be quite tee-ed off at all these white chicks seeking to take a walk on the wild side by voluntarily adopting the restrictions to which I’d had no say in being subjected.

Indeed, the first wife of Lauren Booth’s second husband has said: “She destroyed my home. You can’t just put on a hijab and say you are a good Muslim woman…”

Faiza Ahmed — a breathtakingly beautiful, articulate and apparently uncovered woman, so Mr Ahmed obviously doesn’t have a “type” — went on to tell the Daily Mail: “I cooked for her and then I stayed at home with the children while my husband and Lauren went out together.

“They came home late and I saw how open she was with him — she was joking around doing silly accents. It was funny, but in the presence of a supposedly strange man, it was wrong. This is not the way Islam tells a woman to be. Usually, reverts are even more strict and zealous. They see Islam in black and white, unlike those of us who are born to it.”

I have often thought that for many Muslim women — converts especially, and those clowns who march about with banners suggesting that anyone who questions Islam should be beheaded — their “modesty” is simply an extreme form of showing off.

Lauren Booth, doing “funny” foreign accents and “stealing” husbands in her bid to become the perfect Muslimah — bears this out hilariously.

Don’t do it, Madonna!

Last updated: 11:04am, October 23 2013