Mrs Cohen's diary: working out with George and Dave

By Mrs Cohen, March 21, 2014
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* I’m just back from Israel where Dave had a triumphant visit. Yes there was predictable stuff about the two-state solution and how Israel and the Palestinians really should let bygones be bygones, yada yada yada. But the thing everyone was talking about was that Dave went out for a run – in the rain.
It’s been a while since Dave asked my advice about fitness and dietary matters. I told him to cut out dairy and schmaltz, work out in the gym, and go for the occasional run outside so that the press get a photo. Everyone was delighted. Everyone except Bibi that is. He made some lame joke about running in the rain in Israel but everyone knows that there are two specific times when Bibi doesn’t go running – when it’s raining and when it’s not.
Sara has told me that there have been occasions when he has reached as far as the front door, but then ended up slumped in his running gear with a hangdog expression and a tub of Ben and Jerry’s. Sara would like me to help out in the same way I’ve been working with Dave and lovely little Georgie Osborne who is doing sooo well on the 5.2 diet. But I have to admit I am slightly nervous of becoming the Carole Caplin de nos jours. So when Dave or George do pop in for a quick shower on the way home, I like to keep it quiet.

* Talking of matters Israeli, the Holy See has been in touch again. Pope Francis is meant to be visiting Israel but the people in the Foreign Ministry are on the kind of go-slow which would have brought a smile to the face of dear old Bob Crow. “Can you use your influence to help out, Mrs Cohen?” they pleaded with me. Unfortunately my influence does not stretch this far but I have offered to help Frannie with his fitness programme so that he does not have to hide under all those robes in the hot weather.

* There has been a lot of talk in the papers about gravitational waves over the past few days, with scientists saying that the proof of their existence more or seals the big bang theory. I assume these are the same waves which women with proper Jewish hair have been battling since time immemorial. Merely go outside when it is spotting with rain and there will be gravitational waves sprouting up everywhere. I knew I should have written a thesis about it – I think I might have blown the chance of a Nobel Prize now.

* After the CST’s London speech fest, their Manchester lunch— on April 24, after Pesach — promises to be a little more lively. They are getting that smooth Eamonn Holmes from the telly to interview Sir Alex Ferguson. And before you all start, yes, I do know who Sir Alex is. I met him at the Oscars and he is an absolutely charming chap, very calm and laid-back. He plans to let us into the secrets of building a secure defence, something I gather his successor at Manchester United has failed to do

* For someone who loves dressing up as much as I do, Purim is a gift. This year I decided to forego the usual glamour and dress up as Sir Bradley Wiggo in honour of the cycling lessons he’s been giving me. With a cheeky grin he told me I might want to turn up for a recording of The Archers — no idea what that’s about

Last updated: 4:45pm, March 21 2014