Mrs Cohen's Diary: revealed - my gefilte fish diet

By Mrs Cohen, February 13, 2014

* I’m so excited about going to the Baftas this weekend, particularly as I will be able to catch up with my distant relatives the Coen brothers. I absolutely loved Inside Llewyn Davis but I am nervous to meet its creators simply because I can never remember which one is which. I think it works a bit like Ant and Dec in that Ethan always sits on the left – or is that Joel? I think to be on the safe side I will refer to them both as “Ethan or Joel”. I’m also hoping I will run into Matthew McConaughey. He phoned me last year for advice on how to lose three stone for his role in Dallas Buyers Club. I told him how I lost enough weight to fit into “that dress” at the Oscars last year. I ate one piece of gefilte fish a day with as much chrein as I wanted but no carrot and definitely no challah. Watch out for the Mrs Cohen Diet on Amazon.

* Keith Richards phoned me in a high state of excitement to tell me the news. “Mrs Cohen — baby! The Stones are gonna be playing in Israel – like in June. Crazy, man.” I’ve been pestering the band to go for years but poor Keef has always been a bit worried about Israel’s tough line on substance abuse and Ronnie was concerned that the spikiness of his hair might preclude wearing a kippah at the Kotel. I’m glad it’s all been sorted out and I shall be in the front row of course. After all, it’s a little known fact that Honky Tonk Woman couldn’t have been written without me.

* François Hollande is off to see Barack in Washington. Unfortunately neither of his usual consorts is in a position to accompany him so Franky phoned up with the usual sob story about how lonely he has been at night for the past three weeks or so – I wouldn’t be free to pop along with him, would I? I told him that normally I’d love to but the White House is so draughty at this time of year and all this bad weather has given me the sniffles. Instead I’m off to Sochi for a little recuperation with my old buddy Pooty Poots. He says the clear mountain air will do me the power of good, but I’ve told him there will be absolutely no bareback riding this time around. I am looking forward to the curling though. It’s a wonderful spectacle – like housework on ice
lI happened to be in Copenhagen at the weekend and of course was rather distressed at the unfortunate demise of Marius the Giraffe. He was shechted and then fed to the lions, in full view of the city’s children, surplus to requirements because of potential in-breeding. All I can think is that if we apply the same rules to people, then Mr Cohen’s family is in for a lot of trouble.

Last updated: 4:45pm, February 13 2014