My dear, put-upon Lord Ahmed

An Open Letter To The Lord Ahmed of Rotherham in the county of South Yorkshire, c/o The House of Lords:

As-salamu 'alayka!

Greetings from your Lordship's Humble Servant, Professor Geoffrey Alderman.

I take the liberty of writing to your Lordship to express my gratitude to your Lordship for having displayed such commendable courage and admirable frankness in the remarks your Lordship was pleased to make in Pakistan last year on the subject of your Lordship's most unfortunate contretemps with the British legal system, when your Lordship was imprisoned for having allegedly sent and received text messages while driving along the M1 motorway.

Your views were not meant for an English audience

Your Lordship has incurred a certain amount of opprobrium for having revealed that the Jews were to blame for your imprisonment for dangerous driving. Although I am ashamed to admit that I am not fluent in Urdu, we have it on the authority of The Times that you made known during an Urdu-language TV broadcast in Pakistan that the judge who imprisoned you was specially appointed for this task after having assisted a "Jewish colleague" of Tony Blair, and that, more generally, your imprisonment was the result of pressure placed on the court by Jews "who own newspapers and TV channels."

Had you made this declaration on a British TV channel you would no doubt have been obliged to refer to "Zionists" rather than "Jews," on account of the repressive restrictions on true freedom of expression that are - alas - a hallmark of the British, Jewish Zionist-controlled state. But in freedom-loving Pakistan, breathing the pure air of a liberal state, where all (or almost all, excluding women - naturally - and Christians but no doubt including a great many others) are permitted to speak without restraint on the subject of the Jews, you were able to tell the truth - or at any rate the truth as you saw it.

You are, after all, entitled to your view. And if your view is that you were the victim of a Jewish conspiracy, so be it. We are not here concerned with facts (so-called by the Zionist-controlled press). Even if it was true that there was no Jewish plot against you following your most courageous visit to Gaza in support of Palestinians, even if it was the case that there is not a shred to evidence to support the theory of a plot, you are entitled (are you not?) to put forward an alternative version of events, more attuned to the unique prejudices of your Pakistani audience.

And as for all this Zionist-fomented fuss - stemming as we all know from a report in a newspaper of which the executive editor is a Jew (one Daniel Finkelstein) who even writes shamelessly for the Jewish Chronicle! - how were you to know that some busybody would translate your impeccable Urdu into equally impeccable English for the world to read? After all, your views were not meant for an English audience, were they? After all, didn't the British Chief Rabbi write a controversial book (Dignity of Difference) that was not meant for a Jewish readership? If Jews didn't like what he wrote, serves them right for having read it, say I. No one was forced to watch your TV exposé of the Jewish plot against you, were they? And if they were misguided enough to watch it and to read about it, they've no one but themselves to blame if they contracted indigestion as a result.

So now your Lordship has been suspended by the Labour party, and rumour has it that you might be expelled. I need hardly remind your Lordship that this party is headed by a Zionist - or at least (there appears to be confusion on this) by a Jew who claimed he was one until he was reportedly told it might be politically inadvisable to reveal this truth, just at this moment. The point is, the Labour parliamentary party is led by a Jew. The sooner you make this known - preferably in Urdu - the better for all concerned.

If your Lordship is perchance expelled from the Labour party, may I commend to you the Respect party led by Mr Galloway? I believe that Respect will give you the respect you clearly deserve, and I shall deem it an honour to provide you with the second-class postage stamp to affix to your letter of application.

wa'l-salaamu 'alayka

Gershon ben Shmuel

Last updated: 10:45am, March 24 2013