Old Jewish Catskill Comedian's Classic Jokes


By StevenKalka
December 21, 2011
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You've probably heard these before, but they are still funny.

Those fabulous Jewish
Comedians, many of whom started in the Jewish Catskills:

Shecky Greene,
Red Buttons,
Totie Fields,
Joey Bishop,
Milton Berle,
Jan Murray,
Danny

Kaye,
Henny Youngman,
Buddy Hackett,
Sid Caesar,
Groucho Marx,
Jackie Mason,
Victor Borge,
Woody Allen,
Joan Rivers,
Lenny Bruce,
George Burns,
Allan Sherman,
Jerry Lewis,

Peter Sellers,
Carl Reiner,
Shelley Berman,
Gene Wilder,
George Jessel,
Alan King,
Mel Brooks,
Phil Silvers,
Jack Carter,
Rodney Dangerfield,
Don Rickles,
Jack Benny
Mansel Rubenstein
and so many others.

And there was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples:

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't bereporting it. The thief spends
less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she

shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.. Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his

bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. " Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor:"You'll live to be 60!"
Patient:"I am 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* Patient:"I have a ringing in my ears."

Doctor:"Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."

The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth

it.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won
Ton spelled backward is Not
Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q:Why don't Jewish mothers drink?

A:Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
.

Q:Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?

A:They never let anyone finish a sentence!

A man called his mother in Florida ,

"Mom, how are you?"

" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38
days."

The son said, "That's terrible.

Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answered,"Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks,

"What part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."

"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q:How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

A:(Sigh)"Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Short summary of every Jewish holiday:

They tried to kill us. We won.
Let's eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."

"Force yourself," she replied.

COMMENTS

happygoldfish

Thu, 12/22/2011 - 11:55

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but i assume you intended to say that you copied this from harry leichter's directory of jewish humor at http://www.haruth.com/jhumor/ ?

(btw, when was peter sellers ever in the catskills? )

Mary in Brighton

Thu, 12/22/2011 - 13:08

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Mrs Cohen was in bed with her lover when she hears the front door open and Mr Cohen calling her.

She sighs " Oh here comes big mouth now everyone will know "


Advis3r

Thu, 12/22/2011 - 13:23

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Since the Office party season is upon us and you may be attending festivities where alcohol might be served, I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A few nights ago my mate John was at his office bash and had rather a lot of single malt and fruit of the vine.
Knowing full well he may have been rather more than slightly over the limit, he did something he’d never done before - he took a bus home. He arrived back safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, since he had never driven a bus before and he swears blind he has no idea where he got that one from.


StevenKalka

Thu, 12/22/2011 - 15:18

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I copied it from a friend's email, who didn't credit the original source. Yes, only some of them started in the Jewish Catskills.

Thanks for the source and correction.


happygoldfish

Thu, 12/22/2011 - 15:40

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you're welcome!


StevenKalka

Thu, 12/22/2011 - 15:54

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My own variation on a classic joke:

How many Jews does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. You need one to screw it in, one to unionize them into 2 separate locals (one for the incandescents, another for the compact fluorescents), and a sociologist to write a book analyzing the experience.

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